Friday, May 24, 2002 I've realized that I rarely take the time to talk to my parents, but it only makes sense for me to avoid confrontation with my Mother. I came home and sat outside with my Dad for a few minutes. I asked him how his plants were doing and we spoke briefly about the nice weather. He suggested that I put on shorts. Maybe I will. Minutes later at the kitchen table, my Mom starts talking about Muhammad (main Islamic Prohpet) and about the angels who came to him. Then I got up as she continued to talk about other "prophecies" with my Grandma, who, by the way, can't help but stare at me while I eat. And only a few minutes ago after sitting down at my computer, my Grandma comes in and tells me to drink this water and read some koranic verses in my head. Oh boy is this house too religious for my atheist blood. It would be more peaceful if my Grandma stopped trying to push religion onto me. No offense to her, but she seems all too worried about me as if I've been taken over by the devil. She tries to get me to speak arabic and say all sorts of religious one-liners (and there are plenty when it comes to middle eastern tradition) that I don't believe in. And what am I supposed to do? I laugh on the inside and just play along. What else can I do? I can't tell her I'm fine, she won't believe it; too brainwashed. She knows I don't give a crap about religion, I mean, it shows in my changed personality from a younger, devout, God-fearing Muslim to an older, carefree, religion-denying atheist. And to a pious Muslim like my Grandmother, those who don't give a crap about God are damned and doomed, wrong and backwards, confused and delusional; this is what I am to them. Believers feel as if they must help those who don't believe, and that just pisses me off. I know what it's like to believe in a God and quite honestly, I don't want to go back, it's too demented for me. Nowadays religion is like a big joke to me, but a big joke my parents and Grandma believe strongly in. What a conflict. I should wear horns. We're jamming later and after I'm going to a party in Amityville with Chris and possibly some others. Missing Link and X-Dream are spinning and it's only $5 so it's not too bad. I need to dance and release some of this energy. Boy am I going to drop after the party. After working out earlier, jamming and partying/dancing later tonight, I don't know how able I'll be to walk afterwards. Eh, I'll manage, I always do. Now I'm off to take a relaxing and well-needed shower. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 5:41 PM Thursday, May 23, 2002 And there's no such thing as inner peace even if your name is Jesus or Gandhi. I prefer striving for understanding and awareness. On a side note, we were burning bushes last night and Mike started talking to one in search of God. "Hello? Anyone there? Hello?" No answer. Apparently, Moses got an answer though...or however the fable goes. I sincerely think all of the "prophets" were tripping. Moses didn't part the Red Sea, that's retarded. I call it a low tide, lots of exaggeration or simply manipulative fantasy. People want to believe in God, so they do. I've got nothing wrong with this until they start telling me that God really does exist. Then I just start laughing. My Grandma tells me about God all the time and I can't help but ignore her. She wants me to fear God and follow religion, I just want her to accept me for who I am and quit asking everyone else in my family what's wrong with me. God is dead, but was once alive and judging. I don't mean in reality, I mean in my own head. If he were still alive, I could bet he would've judged this entire passage as sin, demonic, devilish. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 6:39 PM Working out really drains me, it's unfortunate. I'd like to smoke a blunt now, but seeing as there are no dealers around and I have no bud, I can't. I'd just like to smoke a lot and play shows for the remainder of my life. Also publish a book. Meet interesting people. Try coke. Win. But losing isn't terrible either. It happens often. More importantly, I'd like to trip again sometime soon, but as most things are, mushrooms are hard to find. So is my type of girl. Fuck types, I just want to be with a girl I like and who likes me (for once). Simple as that. My problem is that I'd rather people come to me instead of having to approach them, but if a girl attracts me and I'm getting a good vibe from her, there's no way I could resist. There can't be room for such stupidity in my life, I only live once. There's no afterlife where I can make up for my mistakes or missed opportunities. And what, does it hurt to lose? Sure it hurts to get rejected, but losing is better than forfeiting. And I always keep my game face on. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 6:15 PM Wednesday, May 22, 2002 I went ahead with my idea and borrowed two books from the library on Nietzsche. His writing and ideas are simply incredible. If I ever knew I would be reading philosophy outside of school... Of course not all men are equal: some are dumber than others, some are faster, some more creative. This is truth and I feel a slight pity for those fools who think that all people are equal. All ideals aside, we are born with no rights, not even the right to live. Are we handed our rights on a platter at birth and asked to sign at the X? I think the only right we have is the right to come and go, speak and do as we please. I wouldn't even go as far as to call it a right, but a priviledge. There is no such thing as a right seeing as we have the right to do anything and everything. Then what don't we have the right to do? Well, if you're me, I don't have the right to...uh...aw hell, I don't know. I don't have the legal right to buy alcohol. This is bullshit; I get drunk every so often with help from older friends with more rights under the law. Why do they have more rights than I do? Well, I'm 19 and the bushy-eyebrowed conservatives in D.C. don't want me drinking. Well they can go fuck themselves. I truly feel sorry for young conservatives, they really have their heads up their asses. Young conservative is quite the oxy-moron. All men are free. Free to resist what they dislike, free to rebel, free to swear, free to do drugs, free to rob, free to kill, free to run naked in an open field, free to run naked in the mall. But there is always an effect of your freedom. You may get locked up, you may attract swarms of women. You may become frustrated, you may fall in love. You may hate yourself, you may fall into depression. As an American citizen, I do have the freedom to kill the next person I see walking down the street. If you want to do it, you can and only you stop yourself from proceeding. You have the freedom to do as you please...or at least I do. Freedom is in the eyes of the lunatic. Well then hell yes I'm a lunatic! But seeing as I don't think I am, I'm really not. That's how that works. It seems to me that the purpose of live is survival, plain and simple. I just want to survive and pursue my goals, my dreams. Living life any other way seems too black and white, ordinary. Do as you're told. I must say though, most people do pursue their dreams. A lot of people pursue the American dream: family, luxury cars, nice house. There's an easy way to attain this goal and that's not quite a challenge for me so I had to raise the ante and strive to become a famous musician. It's been my dream ever sine 9th grade, shortly after the creation of the band, but it didn't become a reality until I ditched the American dream (also my parents' dream for me). I also want to publish books...but I'm not too sure what I'd write about, whether philosophy or literature. Maybe I'll do both...write a fiction novel with philosophical undertones and themes. My own dreams, my own perspective, my own reality, my own world, my own life, yet others threaten to manipulate it. They get pushed to the side. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 8:14 PM I need to read more Nietzsche, he seems like an interesting guy. After reading his Attack on Christianity, I've realized how cynical he can be and it's truly amazing, perhaps even a bit inspiring. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 2:41 AM I saw Moses tonight for the first time in over a year since he and his family made their pilgrimage to the great Salt Lake in Utah. It had been a while since our last encounter and I had forgotten about all of the times we hung out. Miraculously, and as if by some divine power, the memories began to unravel as he and I exchanged a few lines of conversation. When he stepped into the cone of light from the lampost above, I realized that time had been gentle on him, that he bore no new wrinkles and that his spirits had been heightened. Little change, and yet, I saw him from a whole new light, like that of a candle burning fiercly, sitting atop a windowsill on a snowy winter night. The fire from the candle peered out into the vast blankets of darkness and paved a way for sight, acting as a pseudo-tour guide. We spoke briefly about his new life in Utah. Without the light from the fire, there would have been only darkness. The candle keeps burning, but dims--even fades--at times, times when I find myself no longer able to converse with the world. So on my way I go until a match is lit to re-ignite the flame inside. We gave him a cd. He's coming to hear us jam on Thursday and going back to Utah soon after. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 2:39 AM Tuesday, May 21, 2002 I've realized that a major weakness my body faces is the ultimate problem of dehydration. I'm too damn dehydrated. Yet somehow my face continues to produce enough oil to mold zits with. Although it's not as bad as it used to be, I would like my acne to die down someday...I've only had acne for 7 (almost 8) years of my life already and I'm pretty sick of dealing with it. Asides from my over-productive glands, smoking and working out everyday doesn't help, not to forget the occasional alcoholic beverage. Rarely will a morning pass without a case of cotton mouth, very pretty and familiar, and I've come to the conclusion that dehydration is the number one cause of fatigue. I must've drank at least three gallons of water/juice yesterday to catch up, now I just have to maintain the water flow. I've been through this cycle before and drinking one tall glass of water or juice every hour of the day is not the easiest task to overcome. Eventually, I can't keep up with my own remedy and fall back into the early stages of the cycle (well that's why it's a cycle), but perhaps this time I can break the cycle. Can I actually break frustrating cycles? The human body has too many weaknesses, it's unfortunate. Our body requires sleep, food, water and oxygen for the most part, and if we were to lose any one of these, we'd surely be in for a challenge. Hah, I'm recalling the day I went through school and work without a minute of sleep only three weeks ago; what a test of sanity, but at least I was hydrated. That was the day in which my philosophy professor implied something about my insanity and her boyfriend. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 7:04 PM Just took www.swirve.com's personality test: Champion A Champion -- sounds pretty cool, right? Well, it is. Champions are at the forefront of every major change in society, and that's a pretty slick place to be. You generally want to be involved in things. Whatever's going on, you probably want to be a part of it. To you, life is exciting and the possibilities are endless. If you don't think so, you should -- because a person like you can accomplish anything. Emotion is a big part of your life. People consider you to be intense, or at the extreme, obsessive. You truly want to be independent and strong, and when you're not, you can get quite upset with yourself. That's OK, though. Everyone is entitled to some self-torture now and then. It's not easy to try to do everything at once, though. Makes you wish you lived on a planet with 30 hours a day, in a body that only needed four hours of sleep to get by. That's great and all to hope for, but it isn't going to happen. Instead, just chill out sometimes. Don't worry, be happy. And this one from www.brainbench.com: Your Social Boldness: Introverted VS Extraverted You are quite introverted. Socially, you prefer a more relaxed, low-key environment, rather than the hustle and bustle of a wild night in the city. You tend not to talk a lot, but when you do people listen, because when you say something it has meaning. You are not seeking the limelight, usually you prefer to let the attention-mongers do their thing while you observe. In an unfamiliar setting, you tend to be cautious and shy while you evaluate the circumstances. You prefer to avoid conflict, so you do not put yourself into a threatening situation. Your shyness may be perceived as unfriendly, but that could not be further from the truth. People need to be patient with you and take the time to get to know the complex, private you. Your Agreeableness: Candid VS Considerate You are moderately considerate. You are an agreeable person. This means that you are well liked and people really enjoy your company. And why wouldn't they? People can sense that you are taking a genuine interest in them and this makes them feel special and as a result, they have high regards for you. With your altruistic personality, you get a lot of practice at making people feel special. In fact, you feel great joy when you help others. Another nice feature you possess is your ability to cooperate. Not everyone can do this, so it is very important in a meeting or social situation to have someone like you present in order to maintain a harmonious situation. This comes from your tendency to want equality and fairness. In dealing with others, you prefer not to manipulate people instead you tend to be open and sincere. This makes you a popular and well-respected individual. Your Self-Control: Impulsive VS Cautious You are very impulsive. You are an independent thinker. You do not need a book of rules to tell you how to behave - you know inside what is right and what is wrong and you act accordingly. You are able to live life spontaneously, because you are able to make decisions without endless deliberation. In fact, when you and another person are making a decision, you are able to reach a solution fairly quickly while the other person has to cautiously plan every step. Eventually, they will agree with you, which is frustrating when your first impulse is usually the correct one in the decision-making process. You tend to be a little more casual, and you do not feel out of sorts when your home or office is not perfectly neat. In general, your life is pleasurable - you know how to have fun and will never be accused of being staid or stuffy. Your Anxiety Level: Excitable VS Relaxed You are moderately excitable. In trying situations, you feel somewhat stressed and frustrated. At times you are able to overcome these feelings, but other times you feel overwhelmed. This could run the gamut of just being in a bad mood to experiencing anxiety, anger, or depression. In general, you prefer a stress-free existence, so that the possibility of negative emotions would not be a factor. You tend to be somewhat self-conscious in social situations, and are worried that people may judge or criticize you. You may react emotionally to people or circumstances that you find threatening, because you want to protect yourself. Every so often you cave into urges or cravings. Sometimes you feel a little guilty about it, other times you are just fine with your fun streak. Your Openness to Change: Practical VS Imaginative You are slightly imaginative. It is apparent to those who meet you that you are well educated. You are able to speak on a complex level to one audience, but adjust to a more basic level for another. You are bright and capable of thinking logically. On one hand you are down-to-earth and traditional, while on the other hand you are creative and imaginative. Sometimes you feel more comfortable with familiarity and routine in your life, other times new and novel experiences are more enjoyable. You are not afraid to try new things. You tend to like to do a variety of different activities, so you do not grow bored. The way you Think/Reason: Concrete VS Abstract You are very abstract in your thinking. You tend to be quick to grasp ideas, are a fast learner and intelligent. You possess a hallmark of intelligence that potentially separates human beings from earlier life forms, the ability to think about future consequences before acting on an impulse. Your reasoning activity involves contemplation of long-range goals, organizing and planning routes to these goals, and persisting toward one's goals in the face of short-lived impulses to the contrary. You also have keen interests in intellectual matters and love to play with ideas and think theoretically. You tend to be open-minded to new and unusual ideas, and like to debate intellectual issues. You often enjoy riddles, puzzles, and brainteasers. These assessments are pretty accurate. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 5:43 PM The journey has been going well recently. I've discovered a growing love for my despisal (now it's a word) of religion and if ever such an institution that went against religion were to be created (highly doubtful), I would head such a committee. With this being said, I shall return to my peaceful slumber. Astrology definitely appeals to one's hopeful self-image and evokes a flowery feeling of fantasy which, if believed, can become reality. The stars, in a sense, can change. It's only a perception of reality really, truly what you make of it. Granted, the world is material, but try explaining this to a few billion people without using the words "soul", "spirit", "inner peace", "warmth", "God" and have them understand it for themselves. To some it may be obvious, to others it may not be so. Nay, we carry on standing man to man, brother to brother, and fight wars against one another in the name of power. One for the power of God in man, one for the power of God Himself. Is man in a constant struggle for power? Some say power in man is evil, some deem it good. I deem it natural. I have not found myself, I have not lost my way. I feel not inner peace or warmth, cold or anguish, but a calm and clear sense of self. I have no hell within, but I have hell all around me with shades of heaven embedded in every square inch of every square mile of this globe. Heaven is everywhere, heaven is nowhere; hell is everyone, hell is no one. I am but a human body with a mind to think and an instrument with which to speak. I do as I can with an eyeful of possibility and a handful of ideas. How shameful it would be for Jesus to see his people killing each other in name of inner peace and blessedness (Not to say we're the people of Jesus. We are of the same blood though--I cannot refute this--with the same eyes, noses, mouths, and ears. We all walk on two feet. Some go off dancing, some treading; others go off galloping, others prancing. Isn't the world just...entrancing?). This is the beauty of existence; that you are but wind gushing through time and space on wings, soaring above and beyond mountaintops. Gallantly you bear sword and shield, pride and steel. Off into flight you go, but where you go and how you may arrive there, you may never know. Let your wings carry you. Follow your feet. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 3:28 AM Sunday, May 19, 2002 I hung out with my 3 year old niece earlier this afternoon for an hour and a half. She's pretty cool and easy to talk to...so curious and bright eyed, innocent and cute, I simply love her. I chased her around the perimeter of my house a few times and taught her about the clouds in the sky. Then we sat down on my front steps and she drew some "clouds" (actually just a bunch of squiggly lines but I pretended they were clouds) for me on her etch-a-sketch and matched them up with ones in the sky. I was simply amazed. And going to the gym woke me up. Asides from the hot girls there who woke me up, just pushing more weight than I weigh puts a lot of strain on my muscles, but even more on my brain. Going to the gym feeling tired and burnt is always the best time to go to the gym 'cause I always come out nice and refreshed. I reaffirmed my strength, benching 240 and doing some other shit. Now I'm pretty awake and my mind is actually working in a logical manner where my words make sense with what I'm looking at. At other times I might be looking at the sky and start thinking...ok, so this sentence doesn't make any sense, I guess I was wrong about that whole theory...nonetheless, I feel physically and mentally refreshed. And now I'm ready to go out, smoke a blunt, and take over the world. Actually, Adam, Ken and I signed up to the JCC today, which would be the gym we went to. At the front desk, there was this cute girl...yeah, she had really nice green eyes and brown hair. Hopefully I'll see her again sometime, maybe ask her out, maybe not...probably not. Either way, she'll still be the animated cute girl with the gorgeous green eyes at the front desk. I've got a picture, a memory; one that none could steal. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 7:01 PM I wonder how astrologers come up with this stuff, a lot of the time they're not that far off. Today's Leo Horoscope July 23 - August 22 You aren't sure what you did to attract it, but you're giving off quite an amazing vibe, Leo. Children are mesmerized by your voice, and animals follow in your tracks as if you were the Pied Piper. Even the people that know you well are awestruck by your very presence. Your aura shines with a light so bright that it can be seen from great distances. If you keep this up, some day you might be famous! Romance You're so full of life and ready for new action that it will be hard for anybody to keep up with you. Most eyes will be on you as you make your profound pronouncements. Expect that there will be a line of people waiting to dance with you. Technical You can feel that creative urge welling up again. Don't try to forget about it. Use it to your advantage today. Create something beautiful in Photoshop. - By Astrology.com I wonder if they're right about becoming famous one day...lol, I sure as hell hope so. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 4:00 AM Saturday, May 18, 2002 We jammed yesterday for an audience of about ten and near the end of the jam, we played some D&B with Freddie and Devo freestyling behind the music. That was just nutty, crazy, but my hands are paying for the tight grip I had on my drumsticks for the two and a half hour outing last night as well as the previous night's jam. The joints in my fingers are stiff as all hell. Tying my shoelaces last night at Craig's took twice as long as usual...but maybe that's 'cause it was 5am and I was still stoned from smoking a blunt and then a bowl at 4:20. Somehow though, I came out clean with no blood-filled blisters. Mike and I discussed collaborating with Freddie and Devo to put out a D&B/Hip-hop album. The overall sound was dark, creepy and experimental and I think people would dig it as much as we dug playing it. Ya dig? I dig. I dig so deep I bury the clock Eating time And space. Wondering How I came About this place I chew. I chew on God I spit out divine bones Eating meat And raw knowledge. Wondering How man is able To pull faith from fable Ok that was random. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 7:55 PM Friday, May 17, 2002 Living in a house full of people who think I'm eternally damned is quite the circumstance. Am I really eternally damned? Haha, not unless I think I am. And that's the power of the human mind; it's a shame so many throw away their power. I'm out of school and reading Marx, go figure. "Man, who has found in the fantastic reality of heaven, where he sought a supernatural being, only his own reflection, will no longer be tempted to find only the semblance of himself--a non-human being--where he seeks and must seek his true reality....Religion is indeed man's self-consciousness and self-awareness so long as he has not found himself or has lost himself again....It is the fantastic realization of the human being inasmuch as the human being possesses no true reality. The struggle against religion is, therefore, indirectly a struggle against that world whose spiritual aroma is religion...The criticism of religion disillusions man so that he will think, act and fashion his reality as a man who has lost his illusions and regained his reason; so that he will revolve about himself as his own true sun. Religion is only the illusory sun about which man revolves so long as he does not revolve about himself." (from The Opium of the People). This is rejuvenating and works well with my ideas. It's quite interesting how I also came to similar realizations of my own only a few weeks ago about the nature of this so-called supernatural being. "I'm not like them but I can pretend, The sun is gone, but I have a light, The day is done but I'm having fun, I think I'm dumb or maybe just happy... Think I'm just happy." -Kurt Cobain (1967-1994) Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 7:36 PM Lifeblood, had a total of 63 visitors last week. Visitors for last week divided per weekday: 2002-05-08: 18 2002-05-09: 13 2002-05-10: 4 2002-05-11: 8 2002-05-12: 5 2002-05-13: 6 2002-05-14: 9 Never in my life would I expect 63 people to want to read what I have to say. I can only wonder how I've started to gain some "popularity" and if certain people I don't want reading my journal actually do. But it's my own fault for putting my ideas in writing on the world wide web for others to judge, and judge they will. It would be hard for me to imagine someone coming across my page and not thinking "boy what an idiot." As long as I see myself below everyone else, which on most days I do (until pushed over the edge having to respond wickedly), I'll always strive to reach the top and kick my own ass in the process. That's just how I am. My bosses crack me up. Barbara asked me if I'm going to miss my workplace after I leave and I said "sure I will," while my direct boss standing behind me says "no you won't." No, I won't, they all know I don't like working there and that I'm glad to be leaving. I already told them I wasn't too fond of the position that "landed on me" and that I'd rather not work more than 20 hours this summer because "I need time to relax." Shari came up to me this afternoon and said "so you missed a meeting this morning...I'm sure you're happy about that..." Yeah, I don't hide my emotions or feelings, I just let everybody know what I'm really thinking. I don't care, a job is a job and I can find another no prob. I'm going to miss Hofstra though. The campus is one of the nicest campuses I've been on with some of the most beautiful plantlife. There's a rule that you can't even pick leaves off some trees or else you'll get fined. Some of their trees are quite the rare specimen and are valued at high prices so I've heard. 'Twould make sense I 'spose. What I won't miss is the dumbass security. Two nights ago we all went to Bill's to chill out, smoke and drink. By 1am we had run out of alcoholic beverages and decided we should pick up some more beer. Craig, Mike and I volunteered to pick up, but the only place open wouldn't accept Craig's ID and I had forgotten my wallet in Bill's room and had no ID. The stupidass security guard sitting in the booth at the front entrance wouldn't let us back in because I had no ID. We told him we had just left campus 15 minutes ago to pick up some McDonalds (and we actually did) but that I had forgotten my jacket and wallet in my friend's room. We asked him to call Bill's room, but he wouldn't. We tried to show this guy that he was just being a stubborn piece of shit but he wouldn't listen. Now sincerely ticked off, I begin to get angry. "You realize now that I'm going to lose my jacket and wallet because of you. You realize this, right?" Silence. "Just let us in, my jacket is in my friend's dorm you fucking guy." So he said we can go to the information booth and there we'd have "a 50/50 chance." Yeah, a student at the fucking school can't even get back onto campus. What a crooked system. So we drive over to the side entrance and try to use Bill's name to get in, but as we were trying, the first security guard phones the guard in the booth we're waiting at and tells him to not let us in. "You're going to have to go to the information office." Information office...yeah, right. So Craig makes a U-Turn but goes out a little too far and the guard rushes out of his booth, jumps in front of the car and starts yelling at us. "TURN AROUND! NOT THIS WAY!" Now I'm cracking up at this 50-year old guy trying to stop us. Craig humorously says, "hey, we're not criminals, we're just trying to get onto campus, don't treat us like we're criminals," or something to that extent. So I was content with that response and just laughed at this pathetic guy doing his pathetic job. We call Bill and ask him to drive down to the front gate with my jacket and wallet so we can get in, so we pull back around to the front entrance where the first dumbass security guard is and wait. Bill shows up five minutes later and gives me my Hofstra ID. Craig shows it to the guy at the desk. I can't keep my mouth shut and start ranting from the back seat. "You happy now? Huh, are you happy now you stupid shit?" The guy stares blankly at us and says "oh. they were telling the truth after all." Mike curses at him again as we finally pull into campus. Fucking ass. Do your job, fine, but be REAL at the same time. I've realized, mainly at work, that people have a tendency to let their jobs overcome them and to an extent, become them to the point where you can barely talk to them without emotions spilling all over the place. Nonetheless, *most* of the professors (definitely not all) I've had at Hofstra were pretty real people and hopefully I'll find the same "realness" in professors at Purchase. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 6:10 PM Too much thinking really wears me out. My life involves too much thinking and not enough conversing to the point where I rarely get sleep. I don't know when life became so strenuous...actually I've never quite been an easy minded kind of person, I always have something to think about and rarely can I find the blank white space in my head to zoom in on. I try imagining myself in a wide open field with a nice lake not too far off with a mountain in the background. I never get too far into the image before an invading thought crosses my path but I can always momentarily return to my place of serenity, my home. Something else may intrude and lure my focus elsewhere, but I know how to return to my place in the stars. This life is my dream and my dreams are my reality. Who the fuck really cares, I just survive like everyone else. And now I'm going to get to bed so I can get five hours of sleep. Mal's Mind Conceived These Thoughts at 4:25 AM